How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
