So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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