i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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