I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you made out with another girl for some wings
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
