are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
