My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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