Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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