I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
