How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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