please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
