Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
