She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
