My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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