I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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