Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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