just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
jump out the window naked night went bad
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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