Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
