...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
