highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize