I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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