Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
