I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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