Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
