my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
