I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
