I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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