She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
