Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
