Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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