i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
should my penis look like a turkey
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
