I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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