I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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