im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
