I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
