He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My liver just had a heart attack.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
