mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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