today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
