I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So vagazzling was a success
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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