I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
