It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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