Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
