handjob tips. give me some.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
