Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
