help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
