if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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