yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
