took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
