girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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