Me. At least after what I've been through.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize