the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
