ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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