I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
