Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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