so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
