I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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