that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
