i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
