i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
