I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize