fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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