How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
