Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
