so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
