I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
